blogging, dealing with food cravings, emotional eating, finding balance, losing weight, Maintaining Weight Loss, The Daily Prompt, Uncategorized, weight loss and deprivation, weight loss journal, Writing

In that place where I don’t bulge out…

via Daily Prompt: Caper

Oh, but I fall into excuses, even when I promise myself, and my world, that I won’t.  There’s one more hot dog, because it’s the fourth.  There’s the giant crab cake sandwich, because I’m sick and the prednisone makes me so hungry.  There’s frozen yogurt because, well, because it’s Sunday and I’m with my daughter who loves fro-yo, and it has protein in it.

There’s an extra cup of coffee with cream, because I got up so damn early this morning, and I have a headache from the cough syrup.  I can keep going, but I know what I sound like.  My real personal truth is that I like food and I like coffee and I like doing things that I like.  I don’t want to practice self-control because self-control isn’t fun. Self-control is like being mired in dog shit in the middle of an amusement park.

My shunning of self-control would be awesome if it didn’t conflict with other things that I  adore; like cute clothing and my underlying desire to fit neatly in the same box as most other people.  In essence, my secretive shallow nature is in constant disagreement with my lack of constraint.

So, I have “start-fresh-Mondays” where I get out my food journal and log every calorie and nibble until they are all I can think about.  As I shower, 190 runs through my head.  I vacuum with 370 and watch Friends reruns with 860 on my mind.  Is it too many, is it enough? Can I just have a cheese stick?  Always that damn careful balance!  I pray I can go to bed with the gnawing. I can picture angry little flesh-colored “pac-men” eating away my fat as I run my hand flat against my torso.  Are those my ribs sticking out?  I’ll look great in that skirt; no one will know I’m a fat girl on the inside.

I know I’m wrong, and different, but maybe not.  It’s  simply a caper against myself.  We all have secrets, some salacious some mundane. I’m hoping to be somewhere in the middle; in that place where I don’t bulge out.

blogging, dealing with food cravings, emotional eating, enjoying family, Finding old friends, Food Addiction, losing weight, love, Medical Weight Loss Program, optifast, problem solving, setting goals, Thankfulness, Uncategorized, weight loss and deprivation

Day 36: Feeling Deprived?

Are you afraid of not feeling satisfied while losing weight?
Are you afraid of not feeling satisfied while losing weight?

The decision to begin my weight loss journey was a difficult one.  Over the years, food had become a replacement for a number of things that were missing in my life.  Filling my stomach was my way of filling a void that I thought was beyond my control to seal. Giving up the carbohydrate-laden, sugar-filled foods that temporarily gave me a sense of contentment, and replacing them with five Optifast shakes a day for nearly 18 weeks absolutely terrified me.

I had to wait two weeks for my first appointment at the bariatric center from the day that I initially worked up the courage to call them.  During that span of time, I despondently said my final farewells to all of my favorite dine-in and fast food restaurants by visiting and ordering all of my favorite dishes.  I cooked all of the delicious comfort foods that my mom used to make and gorged on their doughy, sugary, buttery goodness. I ate when I was ravenous and when I was stuffed. I ate until I was sick and ashamed. I was like an alcoholic going on the biggest bender of their lifetime.  Except my drug of choice was food and I was terrified of feeling deprived. Deprivation meant that the void that I’d worked so desperately to satisfy would be left empty and exposed.

Now at the beginning of my sixth week of weight loss, I can’t believe the changes that are happening to me.  Yes, I’m shrinking a bit on the outside, but I’m growing exponentially on the inside.  This break from food is allowing me to fill my void with other things; things that are healthy, sustaining, and edifying.  In just six short weeks I’ve lost fears, accepted love, made friends, found opportunities, learned to live in the moment, and reconnected with people and activities that make me a happy, whole, connected and extremely satisfied person. So far, my fears are unfounded; I am not deprived.

If you’ve lost weight, or are in the process, what fears did/do you have about changing your way of eating?  What positive habits have you added to replace overeating?  Please share 🙂