Yesterday, I blogged about journaling. One of the suggested prompts was to write about what your weight says or does for you. After a comment from Maria, from Still Times, I knew I had to address this question , so here goes:
My weight speaks to me and for me. It says terrible things.
To others it’s a first impression that outweighs the myriad of things that I have going for me.
To those who don’t know my skills or ambition it might say, “Don’t give her a chance. Choose the thinner one.”
To those who don’t know my strength, it’s a flashing signal, a blaring siren, a grating alarm that makes people think, “This woman is NOT in control of her life!”
To those who don’t know my sensitivity it whispers, “She’d be pretty, if she’d lose about 80 pounds.
To those who don’t know my kindness, it hisses, “Why is SHE ordering dessert?”
It berates and barrages me with:
“Don’t post your picture on Facebook; they’ll all see how fat you are.
Stay away from your high school reunion, you’ll be a laughingstock.
Why don’t you look like other professional women your age?
You look terrible in that outfit!
Why can’t you change?
Try harder; be perfect; you have more to prove because of me!”
My weight is a dick.
It makes me tired, unhealthy, and under confident.
It reminds me on a daily basis that I’m inferior; but I only listen for a little while, because I know my weight lies to me. I know its origins.
It’s more than hand-to-mouth; more than habit or hunger.
My weight is born of grief, hurt, fear and anxiety.
The death of my mother,
The illness of a child, and
The terror that it could happen again.
There are things that I need to let go of; things I need to accept; layers that I need to peel away with diet and exercise and connections and trust.
I’ll leave it speechless as I conquer myself and change the things that I allow it to tell me.
Today is my weigh-in day, so I’ll briefly report my progress when I get home from the doctor.
What do you think your weight conveys about you to yourself and others?
****Back from the Doc—I lost two pounds. I wish it was five, but at least I didn’t gain anything! 🙂